I’m just a big liar

Has this ever happened to you?

One minute you feel wonderful; you are on top of your game, feeling your oats even, and then, in a split second, everything changes and you feel completely defeated. Well I get this feeling often so I’ve been trying to understand what is behind it for some time now. The other day I got a hint of the way my brain connects things and I think I may be on to something. Let me explain.

I was working with a teacher recently on a technique and I was starting to really ‘get it’  – I was feeling so great about it and myself; I was so happy and full of confidence too. Then a person that I don’t particularly like (okay, I REALLY don’t like) came into the room. This person humiliated me a few years ago in a very public way and, even though I had done the whole ‘forgiven’ thing and worked hard to ‘get over it,’ there are still residual hard feelings that I’m having a hard time letting go of. When I saw this person my heart fell and I lost track of what I was learning.

In that split second I also lost all ability to complete the technique I was successfully learning only a few moments earlier, and I could not seem to get any of it back. My whole demeanor changed, my teacher asked what happened and I could not even articulate to myself let alone tell him what had happened. The rest of the session was a complete disaster as well. I felt sick to my stomach, I started fighting back tears, I wanted to quit and never return. It was the most intense and puzzling feeling.

I told you at the beginning of my story that a person entered the room that obviously pushed a big button in me. But at the time I did not realize this was the issue at all. In fact, I had consciously forgiven this person and thought the situation was ‘old news.’ It was only after some very deep soul searching, over a period of days, that I stumbled onto the root of the problem. And it was such an eye opening moment.

I hate to say it but it really is so simple. I was not being honest with myself. I was not honoring my feelings or my own timetable, and I certainly have not been honest with the other person either. I’ve been hiding from my self by not paying attention to my emotional barometer. I know now that I do this a lot and THAT is why I lose my confidence without any obvious reason. I apparently lie to myself!

Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying that I or you should not forgive people or that I am an unforgiving or mean person (although some people may think so). What I am saying is that often I  do not honor my true feelings and try to rush forgiveness or allow people to treat me poorly.

I don’t like confrontation so I may tell myself things are okay when they are not, or I might tell myself what I feel is not important or is somehow wrong. And my way of getting over things is pretty gruff too – which should be a dead give away to myself, duh. But our external demeanor has nothing to do with our inner sanctum of emotion as I think everyone knows. So even though I know intellectually that what I feel is my reality, when things are painful or emotionally charged I tend to sweep them under the carpet and put my teflon self back on. And this does not fair well for the other person either. My dishonesty with myself does not allow me or the other person to grow. It’s hard to confront feelings but I find that when I honestly DO do it, the other person also experiences relief.

Self-confidence is a funny thing. It does not necessarily imply ‘self-belief’ or even a belief in the ability to succeed. It has much more to do with not focusing or dwelling on negative stuff. This focus on failure or disapproval of others negates belief in ourselves and our powers and abilities. And it affects everyone involved.

I have a little work to do before I can honestly see that person again and not lose my self confidence. We will need to meet and talk openly about it (again). But I am on the road to successfully completing the task now that I am AWARE of it. And I feel like I have hit pay-dirt on this thing called confidence.

I hate having to admit I’m a liar..so I think I’ll start a running streak of honesty – with myself and my peeps. Wish me luck?

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Arline
    Dec 28, 2011 @ 16:49:20

    Hi Raeleen – I recently had to do the same thing. A certain someone keeps getting called back to our department to work on bids. Although I’ve forgiven her for what she has done in the past the mere presence of her would make me cringe. I literally would try to avoid her at all costs whether it was walking a different direction or moving myself temporarily to another floor. BUT – then I realized why am I doing all of this?! I’m stronger than this. So – the same person has been here for the past month and I’m still working in my own cube. 🙂 I also don’t avoid her. Instead, I make it a point to seek her out and exchange pleasantries. Guess who’s feeling awkward now? NOT ME! LOL!!!

    Reply

    • shakeupyourlife
      Jan 04, 2012 @ 13:27:29

      Arline,
      I’m glad you are working through the difficulty but if either of you are still feeling awkward then there is still work to be done. A heart to heart over the REAL issue with honesty in your heart will be the only true, long term resolution. Sorry it’s not easier. It’s simple but certainly not easy. Good luck!
      Essentially Driven

      Reply

  2. Patricia Reyes
    Jan 04, 2012 @ 20:15:37

    Raeleen,
    Your story hit my mind. I think sometimes, maybe like you I refuse to see the reality of the truth. Constantly, I believe that if I forgive, look over or just move on, things will change for the better… Especially with people. Although, like you, I am learning this is just a tool for me to use, so I can be at peace with them.
    Also, you have not updated any written blogs in a couple weeks and i would love to read one soon.

    Reply

    • shakeupyourlife
      Jan 05, 2012 @ 18:34:53

      Hi Patricia,
      It’s a funny thing about forgiving. Sometimes we forgive and can really move on with no malice in our heart. But other times, if we’re not careful, we might forgive but not really be done with the problem. It’s in this situation that I wrote about. I am most often willing to let an issue go so I don’t have to deal with the painful emotions. I too mostly just want to make peace. But over time, if the person’s presence still illicit’s pain, hurt, or sadness, then you know you are holding onto something (and they are as well). Life is so interesting isn’t it? I cannot tell you how amazing I feel when I finally get honest with myself and share that honesty with a person I was having a problem with, it is so cathartic. I recently read the statistic that men lie an average of 6 times per day whereas women lie an average of 3 times per day. AND THAT IS JUST TO OTHER people…can you imagine how many times a day we lie to ourselves?~
      P.S. I am back at the computer after a long and hectic christmas break with lot’s of family. (Thank you for missing me!)

      Reply

  3. Arline
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 14:39:42

    Man! Perhaps a heart to heart is desperately needed. But, I’m not sure if this person will take it as a sign of weakness. Here goes nothing…. 🙂

    Reply

    • shakeupyourlife
      Jan 05, 2012 @ 18:38:02

      Arline – Vulnerability is a sign of strength. Just be sure you stay honest with your emotions…it’s easy to forget the reason for the clearing if you are not very clear on your true feelings first. If you still hold malice in any way, then you are probably not ready for a meeting, yet. Good Luck!

      Reply

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