slightly off center

I’m sporadic – among other things, I know. One of my close friends recently called me ‘slightly off center’ and I thought, yea that’s it, I like that label.

So many people struggle with acting normal, feeling normal, looking normal and fitting in. Well I’ve never fit in and wondered for many years what was wrong with me, but I mostly love being off center now. I love my quirky nature and I am happy I turned out the way I did. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I still get pangs of worry over it but it doesn’t last nearly as long.

Perhaps I’m comic relief for all those who desperately want let loose but can’t imagine being the one people are commenting on or making fun of. I think I’m finally okay with that and I’m proud of my abilities and insights. There are lot’s of reasons I’m slightly off center, but one memory continues to remind me to look deeper when I begin to feel badly about myself or someone thinks I’ve done something wrong and I am puzzled and confused by it.

It happened when I was about eight years old. A neighbor-friend from across the street came down my driveway to play. She was one who always followed the crowd, never ‘stuck out’ like me. That day in the driveway I imagine we were planning what we would do next. We talked for a few minutes when all of a sudden she stepped back and mockingly repeated a word I had used. It was a word within my vocabulary and one which was used often in my home, but she apparently didn’t know the meaning. She made fun of me mercilessly for trying to “act smart” by using such big words and who did I think I was, trying to impress her and I didn’t even know the meaning of the word, etc.. Then, just as quickly she turned on her heels and marched back up my driveway. I was dumbfounded. In my mind, it had been a normal conversation. All the words were swimming in my head and I felt awful and stupid and bad. I remember thinking I wasn’t trying to look or act smart – I was just talking.  But that day I decided I would never use big words again. Over the next ten years I judiciously worked to use ‘small’ words all the while believing I was seriously the stupidest kid on the planet. During all those primary and secondary school years with her I cemented a self view of stupidity and awkwardness around peers. And that stuck with me for many more years to come.

It took me a long time to figure out that I was not the stupid one in that equation so many years ago. But it affected me in a way that I am grateful for. I see the underdog more often because of that incident and I try to remember to look for other explanations to things that don’t make sense to me on first blush. I still get hurt feelings (more often than I care to admit), but I work very hard to push through and try to see the reason for whatever does not seem right.

And it’s a cautionary tale for parents. It’s so easy to put a negative view into a kids head and incredibly difficult to CHANGE that view.

So now, all these years later, I think slightly off center is a pretty good label. I think deeply, I love passionately, and I remain open and vulnerable on purpose. I want to experience all there is to experience. So if you too think I’m slightly off center I am very happy.  How about you? Do you feel slightly off center too? Maybe we can form a club or something hahaha. Have a great Friday!

what does it all mean?

Today I was reading a bunch of magazine articles from cutouts I had been saving. Saving especially so I could someday write about each one. It’s a habit I started over twenty five years ago. I always saw profound meaning in peoples writings and clipped away until I had entire file cabinets filled with them.

But today as I read and read, I realized I was attempting a feat no less difficult than capturing steam in a container. The diffuse nature of each authors topics eluded me as I attempted to recapture an essence and meaning. I spend hours today feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself. I kept thinking, what’s wrong with me? All these profound articles and I can’t think of a clever or new thing to write.

I began to think: what does it all mean anyway?

That thought is what finally caused me to pause. I was trying to construct meaning from another writers meaning. But that is not what I usually write about. I write from my own thoughts and my own values and my own trials and tribulations and my own aha experiences…not from another persons thoughts and learnings.

So today I am proclaiming that we should never despair when we feel empty or lacking in power or value. Indeed, the power of sitting with our selves, quietly and with open mind is the only valuable thing.

One of my friends recently posted a quote from MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. I think it is fitting here:
“When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows”.

Now you may think this is very heavy thought for such a trivial problem that I laid out. But I have found in the past that any notion that I believe is a problem for me feels quite profound to me. After all, when you have a problem that is worrisome, do you think its trivial? NO, you chew on it and believe it is gigantic.

So I leave you with a paraphrase of Martin Luther King Jr.’s profound statement to fit my feelings of today’s writing endeavor:

May all your times of confusion and sadness, dreary despair and dark nights become your creative force; and may that creative force  work diligently to pull down that gigantic and mountainous evil feeling to leave you with the power to make your way out and transform your dark yesterday into a brilliant tomorrow.

Self-love is hard work

The human brain is very tricky and will try to convince us that appreciating and loving ourselves is about being easy on ourselves. But self love can mask itself as self deceit too. So before you begin with any task of uncluttering; whether it’s your home/mind/body/yard/work/car/yougettheidea, try to get clear on what it means and what might be standing in your way of actually and fully embracing and practicing the art of self-love. The connection between decluttering and self love is subversive and most don’t recognize the connection, but they are inextricably woven together. When you begin to unravel your clutter issue, you will notice powerful feelings about your self worth.

Here is a few things to ponder:

Self-love is NOT:

• Forgiving yourself over and over again for the same sabotaging behavior. That’s slacking off.
• Being a nice girl.  That’s called hiding.
• Being comfortable.  That’s stagnation.
• Fighting where you are, to try to get to where you want to be.  That’s resistance.
• Ignoring the needs of others.  That’s narcissism.
• Fooling yourself into thinking that your body really needs to sit, watch TV and eat junk food instead of that 15 minute organization task you set for yourself. That’s called self-deceit.
• Always putting other people’s needs first.  That’s self-abnegation.
• Making fun of yourself before others beat you to the punch.  That’s self-deprecation.
• Lack of discipline.  That’s confusion or chaos.
• Perfection.  That’s perfectionism.
• Optional.  That’s discontentment.

ON THE OTHER HAND Self-love IS:

• Pushing yourself beyond your perceived limits.
• Sitting with your feelings of sadness and anger without being your feelings.
• Making sure you rest and restore your body and soul.
• Walking away from the cupcake when your body rather have a nice, hot bath.
• Showing up over and over again in your own life.
• Taking the time to look your best, even when you feel like crap inside.
• Saying no to the things that don’t serve you.
• Saying yes to the things that do matter, no matter how scary they are.
• Continuously aiming for excellence and progress.
• Enjoying this moment, and not getting caught up in the illusion that  life will be better “someday.”
• Turning passion into compassion, finding ways to help others with your gifts.
• Investing in yourself, because YOU are your own best commodity.
• Not getting caught up in an attitude of complaining.
• Not taking yourself so damn serious.
• Forgiving yourself but…Self-love is about knowing when you are serving up yourself a big ole’ platter of BS and trying to disguise it as anything other than what it is.
• Lastly, Self-Love is supportive, nurturing, and manditory.

So, become your own love by answering the following questions. Write them down, it really makes a difference to your brain when you put your answers on paper or computer. And if you are truly brave, you can send the answers to me (or a friend) so we can bear witness to them.

1. What makes you smile?
2. What makes your body feel great?
3. What songs restore your spirit?
4. What books inspire you?
5. What foods nourish your spirit and body?
6. What relationships support you?
7. List 20 tihings that you can do that says “I LOVE ME?”

Did you really right them down? Make a commitment to yourself; even if you just scratch them on a napkin. You will be so surprised at the difference you’ll feel after you actually write down the answers. This is a concrete way to shakeupyourlife and make lasting changes. My goal is for you to see yourself fully and embrace it. There is so much within each of us just bursting to give back to the people in our world and I would be honored to bear witness to you and your fullness of life and love. Rock on!

Transition verses Change

When I first left my job I thought I was making a transition, and in many ways I was. But mostly I was making a change; no more, no less. At the time I didn’t think much about the difference between the two, and for that matter, I didn’t care. It’s just semantics, right? But as time wore on I didn’t gain traction – and I didn’t get the good feelings I had expected. Indeed, over time the transition from employee to free agent began to feel just as unsettling and uncomfortable as when I first left my employment. I began to get very confused about why things were not falling into place as I had anticipated they would naturally. What was going on? This was what I wanted – no doubt about that – but still my life felt very messy and I was beginning to feel that old friend, dissolution creeping in. And my productivity was tanking.

So after months of feeling a little lost inside (albeit, doing whatever pleased me for the first time since about age 12), I decided to consult some of the great motivation specialists of our time to see if I could figure out what I was doing wrong.

My search brought me to author, speaker, and organizational consultant William Bridge who had been educated at Harvard, Columbia AND Brown Universities. I figured with all that education he must have something useful to say and what I found was both interesting and relevant. Bridge emphasizes the importance of understanding (drum roll please) that…

Transitions are the key to succeed in making lasting changes.

I was disappointed. It sounded too simplistic and, well cheesy; like a hallmark card or something. But it got more interesting.

To be successful Bridge believes we must go through a specific process. We must adapt to any change with three distinct phases and many people get stuck at phase two and then turn around. The effect is an infinite loop that can make a person feeling crazy:

1. Completely let go of the past (no, really let go)
2. Find your neutral zone (a very uncomfortable feeling)
3. And begin anew (complete with compass and built in motivation)

Before you stop reading because you think this is all mumbo-jumbo, consider the distinctions Bridge makes between change and transition.

Change is a situation shift such as a new baby, a death, a promotion, a job loss.

Transition is a process shift. With a process shift we must allow time to pass. In our culture everything is fast, but a transition period is as it sounds – and requires the passage of time. This is the in-between part that feels unproductive, sometimes painful and most often, very scary. Bridge further outlines the phases something like this; I will use myself as an example here:

1. First we must let go of the way things used to be. (Okay, so far so good. I wanted to leave my job.)
2. Then, chaos fills us and we can’t seem to get traction (sound familiar? This was me in the first 7-9 months post employment).
3. Eventually calm replaces feelings of chaos but it’s really more like calm confusion. (This is where most of us run back to step 2 because we can’t stand the discomfort; we tend to be more comfortable with chaos because it feels productive.)
4. But we must allow a period of confusion (it takes TIME and with Miss Type A Personality that I am, this was excruciatingly painful).
5. Then and only then can we easily and firmly grasp the new direction that fits us perfectly (and I think I am JUST arriving; it is a glorious feeling, I kid you, not).

Stay tuned for more on the subject. Right now I’m heading out to a Holiday Tree Lighting and Boat Parade.

Life is delicious and although transition is hard, the rewards are delectable. Let me know your thoughts and experiences on the subject. Until tomorrow, be kind to yourself and allow a little wiggle room in your life.