oh, it’s too late for me

I’m too old. It’s too late for me to learn all these complicated things, who am I trying to fool? It’s just too late for me to blah, blah…I hear this in my head all the time. Then another voice enters the conversation: NO you are right on time it says right back. And so, the fight among all the people in my head begins again.

Does this ever happen to you? Do you believe you are making a “realization” when you proclaim to yourself that you CAN or CANNOT accomplish something and then that thought cements itself fully into your mind? And when it does – boy is it ever difficult to change that view of the world and ourselves within it.

Well I’m here to say that it’s all poppycock. I’ve seen people of both genders break through “personal ceilings” at all ages and with all manner of “handicap” – You have the internet, you’ve seen it too…The girl with one arm surfing, the man with no arms OR legs swimming and playing golf, the woman with no legs from above her knees running a marathon, the 80 year old man graduating with his Ph.D.etc….so let’s not succumb to that pity party, shall we?

I’ve told many a person, and continue to remind myself of this very important fact: Every single thing you and I have experienced before this moment, got us ready for this moment in time.

You could never have achieved what is possible to achieve now without all of the things you encountered up to this moment. It’s true and we both know it. We needed every single experience: mistake, failure, accomplishment, joyous occasion, accident, celebration, emotion, graduation, and illness in order to BE the person we are right this minute.

It’s funny but when I think about it, every single time I have let go of that silly belief that I can’t do something because ‘it’s too late’ for whatever reason,  I experience something new, amazing, and wonderful – and which I hadn’t thought could be possible for me.

Too many people who read my blog know me personally,so I won’t share exactly what those things are (chuckle), but OMG getting rid of this limiting belief is frigging crazy wonderful. Try this mind warp trip, seriously. Stop worrying that you waited too long to start X, Y, or Z – start today. Stop thinking you fell off the wagon (what ever wagon it is for YOU) and get back on it. Wanna do something new, pick it up, just start.

You are more prepared to start today then you were yesterday. Neat concept, don’t you think? Let me know what you started, I would love to hear your good news! Let’s stop fighting the flow, floating downstream is so much easier than fighting ourselves all day everyday, don’tchathink? Go ahead, you CAN do it so give it a shot will ya?

the best year ever

When I start a new year I always say this is going to be the best year ever! Then week one passes and I think, yeah, that was pretty much like last year but with a few sore muscles from my new exercise ‘routine’; then week two passes and I think, yeah, the newness is already wearing off and I think I’ll file those bills tomorrow, and by week three I am completely back to same-ole, same-ole and not following up on ANY of my new ‘routines’ that I promised myself. Heck, I don’t even make it to the end of January!

But this year is different already.

This year I decided there would be no new years resolutions (most of us have MANY resolutions, as if ONE new thing isn’t enough to change!)  And there are no emphatic slogans or MUSTS to my supposed new routine either. There is only one thing; and you will notice I didn’t say        R E S O L U T I O N. The one thing is this: I will do one thing at a time and complete it before moving on.

Seems so simplistic but already it has proven to be challenging and fun. The really different thing is, it is not a routine at all so I don’t need to fail at it. I only need to continue working at it, everyday and pick up where I left off when I forget my promise to myself.

Now you might be thinking, what the heck does that matter? But think about it, how many activities do you try – especially at the beginning of each new year and then abandon because you either think you failed or convince yourself that you don’t have the talent, or got bored, or just got lazy or decided you just didn’t feel like it?!

Exactly.

It feels so much kinder to pick up and continue and succeed doesn’t it? I am not admonishing myself when I don’t meet my own insanely high expectations any longer, and I get to continue being successful everyday because I just keep on keeping on.

It’s a spiral, not a race and there is no catholic school nun ready with a ruler to whack me when I don’t finish something. The only thing that happens now is that I feel sad momentarily, but then I remember that I am in charge.  There is always time to complete whatever was started (like the dance I started to learn months ago and abandoned due to self consciousness).

Even small things fit into this. For example, I began a new filing system last year (in JANUARY) but got bored with it and abandoned it at about the letter F. When I went to file something yesterday I realized I had not completed it. It was a good system, so today I am finishing it. No admonishing needed, I am just finishing it. And when it’s done, it will be something else I feel successful about.

Why did it take so long to be less gestapo with myself? Are you mean and unforgiving with yourself and habits too? Jeez, let’s calm down a little, shall we?

This is the best year ever. Happy Wednesday.

the way it is, not a belief Part II

Okay, here’s another belief that I am challenging. I invite you to challenge it too…

Someone or something needs to change. Well, guess what? Nothing needs to change to be okay. Consider changing this limiting belief to Everything is okay just the way it IS.

This limiting belief can be difficult to shake because most Americans believe we can change anything in life, which is true, but it can also trick us into believing that anything we don’t like MUST change in order for us to be okay. Think of it this way, if something IS, I mean really is, like you lost your job or a loved one died, you can’t change it. Not to accept it is denial, right? So use that same thought process.

Whatever the current reality (‘problem’) is, it’s completely independent and separate from the meaning we attach to it or stance we take toward it. There will always be things in life that we’d rather ignore and hope would just go away, but those very things will burn us up inside (ever simmer for months over some event or perception of being wronged?) the longer we resist accepting them.

Here is a personal example. I had an appointment scheduled but he was going on 20 minutes late yet I only had a small window for him to be late as I had another client immediately after him. I had a choice, I could be extremely frustrated, allowing my blood pressure to rise stressing over how I would compensate and angry that he put me in this position, OR I could simply sip my tea and catch a few pages of my new book. The REALITY of the situation was his tardiness – he was late, but I had the choice of accepting the situation as it was and enjoy the newly found free time by reading OR I could insist in my mind that the situation needed to change in order for everything to be okay; I could feel disrespected and be ready for a difficult beginning when he arrived, all the while planning my ‘argument’. Which is better? Righteousness indignation because my reality was somehow challenged and inconvenienced? Or delighted with some unexpected reading time?

It was my choice and because I chose to relax and enjoy the unexpected window of free time, I was able to calm my client when he arrived, who was already defensive and stressed himself. The time solution was obvious, we altered our first meeting, scheduled a second meeting, and I met the following client with plenty of time. The unexpected bonus? I earned a full third more pay as my tardy client requested the second meeting with the agreed upon rate. I had not planned this, in fact I had no idea what would ensue when he finally arrived (I only knew my reality, not his). By being open and remaining calm and even happy for the extra readng time instead of worrying, I enjoyed both a pleasant session and more money than I had anticipated or expected.

With this expanded view I realized it IS better to believe everything is okay just the way it is. This is a new reality for me and I like it. Try it. Be okay with whatever IS. Let that be your jump off point and see how your mind expands to create more innovative solutions.

Beliefs are interesting don’t you think? Why not try it?  Yesterdays challenge was How can I afford it and today’s challenge is everything is okay just the way it is. Let me know how it goes or tell me about a belief you delimited. I’d love to hear.

I didn’t say that

Ever read a really great quote and just get it, I mean really get it? Like it hit you between the eyes and you want to live by it? You might even cut it out and tape it to your mirror or keep it in your wallet. Well, I’ve been saving quotes (and articles and magazines and books) for years. So today I’d like to share a few of my favorites as well as provide a short commentary about what their enduring power has been for me. Here it goes:

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~Will Rogers

I love this one because it is so common to start down a certain road in life and then sort of get paralyzed by all the stuff that happens on a given day. And then one day you look back and realize you had stopped moving some time ago. Action is the true motivator of all. So if you find the right track, keep running! Not only is it healthy to do so, you’ll probably get ‘ahead’ and isn’t that what everyone seems to want in life?

” You’ve got to get up every morning with determination if you’re going to go to bed with satisfaction.” ~George Lorimer

Ahh, that old friend determination. So many have written about it. Do you notice when you are really determined about something, that somehow you plow through obstacles which might normally stop you? And don’t you seem to gain greater energy and even more joy after you have powered through a difficult task? Satisfaction is so much sweeter after working really, really hard on a difficult undertaking. Yup, that’s what good ole’ George was writing about in the early 1900’s.

“Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.” ~Ralph Marston

How many times has someone told you to get back to reality? Well their reality and your reality and my reality are all very different. When you add it all up, your reality is simply what you are striving for less all your trepidation’s; so I say, go for whatever floats your boat and create an amazing reality for yourself – it is yours alone, believe it or not.

And lastly for today:

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” ~Henry David Thoreau

I love this one. We are all dreamers but sometimes I forget and maybe you do too, that dreaming is how we got all the cool stuff we have now. All those dreamers before us did the work to realize their dreams. They used persistence and determination to create the goals and push through their doubts. They didn’t just sit around once they found their ‘right track’ either. They failed over and over again, all the while creating a sound and sturdy foundation for their dream to become the new reality.

That’s all for now from me; send me your favorite or inspiring quotes, I’d love to read them.

I’m just a big liar

Has this ever happened to you?

One minute you feel wonderful; you are on top of your game, feeling your oats even, and then, in a split second, everything changes and you feel completely defeated. Well I get this feeling often so I’ve been trying to understand what is behind it for some time now. The other day I got a hint of the way my brain connects things and I think I may be on to something. Let me explain.

I was working with a teacher recently on a technique and I was starting to really ‘get it’  – I was feeling so great about it and myself; I was so happy and full of confidence too. Then a person that I don’t particularly like (okay, I REALLY don’t like) came into the room. This person humiliated me a few years ago in a very public way and, even though I had done the whole ‘forgiven’ thing and worked hard to ‘get over it,’ there are still residual hard feelings that I’m having a hard time letting go of. When I saw this person my heart fell and I lost track of what I was learning.

In that split second I also lost all ability to complete the technique I was successfully learning only a few moments earlier, and I could not seem to get any of it back. My whole demeanor changed, my teacher asked what happened and I could not even articulate to myself let alone tell him what had happened. The rest of the session was a complete disaster as well. I felt sick to my stomach, I started fighting back tears, I wanted to quit and never return. It was the most intense and puzzling feeling.

I told you at the beginning of my story that a person entered the room that obviously pushed a big button in me. But at the time I did not realize this was the issue at all. In fact, I had consciously forgiven this person and thought the situation was ‘old news.’ It was only after some very deep soul searching, over a period of days, that I stumbled onto the root of the problem. And it was such an eye opening moment.

I hate to say it but it really is so simple. I was not being honest with myself. I was not honoring my feelings or my own timetable, and I certainly have not been honest with the other person either. I’ve been hiding from my self by not paying attention to my emotional barometer. I know now that I do this a lot and THAT is why I lose my confidence without any obvious reason. I apparently lie to myself!

Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying that I or you should not forgive people or that I am an unforgiving or mean person (although some people may think so). What I am saying is that often I  do not honor my true feelings and try to rush forgiveness or allow people to treat me poorly.

I don’t like confrontation so I may tell myself things are okay when they are not, or I might tell myself what I feel is not important or is somehow wrong. And my way of getting over things is pretty gruff too – which should be a dead give away to myself, duh. But our external demeanor has nothing to do with our inner sanctum of emotion as I think everyone knows. So even though I know intellectually that what I feel is my reality, when things are painful or emotionally charged I tend to sweep them under the carpet and put my teflon self back on. And this does not fair well for the other person either. My dishonesty with myself does not allow me or the other person to grow. It’s hard to confront feelings but I find that when I honestly DO do it, the other person also experiences relief.

Self-confidence is a funny thing. It does not necessarily imply ‘self-belief’ or even a belief in the ability to succeed. It has much more to do with not focusing or dwelling on negative stuff. This focus on failure or disapproval of others negates belief in ourselves and our powers and abilities. And it affects everyone involved.

I have a little work to do before I can honestly see that person again and not lose my self confidence. We will need to meet and talk openly about it (again). But I am on the road to successfully completing the task now that I am AWARE of it. And I feel like I have hit pay-dirt on this thing called confidence.

I hate having to admit I’m a liar..so I think I’ll start a running streak of honesty – with myself and my peeps. Wish me luck?

what does it all mean?

Today I was reading a bunch of magazine articles from cutouts I had been saving. Saving especially so I could someday write about each one. It’s a habit I started over twenty five years ago. I always saw profound meaning in peoples writings and clipped away until I had entire file cabinets filled with them.

But today as I read and read, I realized I was attempting a feat no less difficult than capturing steam in a container. The diffuse nature of each authors topics eluded me as I attempted to recapture an essence and meaning. I spend hours today feeling frustrated and disappointed with myself. I kept thinking, what’s wrong with me? All these profound articles and I can’t think of a clever or new thing to write.

I began to think: what does it all mean anyway?

That thought is what finally caused me to pause. I was trying to construct meaning from another writers meaning. But that is not what I usually write about. I write from my own thoughts and my own values and my own trials and tribulations and my own aha experiences…not from another persons thoughts and learnings.

So today I am proclaiming that we should never despair when we feel empty or lacking in power or value. Indeed, the power of sitting with our selves, quietly and with open mind is the only valuable thing.

One of my friends recently posted a quote from MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. I think it is fitting here:
“When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair, and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows”.

Now you may think this is very heavy thought for such a trivial problem that I laid out. But I have found in the past that any notion that I believe is a problem for me feels quite profound to me. After all, when you have a problem that is worrisome, do you think its trivial? NO, you chew on it and believe it is gigantic.

So I leave you with a paraphrase of Martin Luther King Jr.’s profound statement to fit my feelings of today’s writing endeavor:

May all your times of confusion and sadness, dreary despair and dark nights become your creative force; and may that creative force  work diligently to pull down that gigantic and mountainous evil feeling to leave you with the power to make your way out and transform your dark yesterday into a brilliant tomorrow.

It’s that time of year

It is that time of year…

When money is tight yet we spend with abandon;

When people are harried yet still willing to lend a hand;

When green and red can coax a smile;

When loved ones are openly cherished;

When strangers are acknowledged simply as people we have not yet met.

When visits are invited more readily;

When giving is offered more freely;

When forgiveness is granted more easily;

When love is felt more keenly,

And when goodwill is closer to the norm.

As our crown-jewel holiday nears, I hope you will enjoy…

…the spending and the lending, the colors and the visiting, the giving and the friends, the forgiving and the forgiveness, as well as the love and the goodwill.

No matter what your personal or religious beliefs, or lack thereof, and especially during this last week of stressful bustle, I hope you will (I know I plan to) hug more, forgive more, love more and give more.

 

All holiday and no fun

Don’t let all the holiday get to you.

I notice people getting nervous and even fearful about the upcoming festivities, not a great approach to what is supposed to be a joyous time of year, in my humble opinion. I see people keeping so busy that they can’t even think joyfully during this joyful time. Is it another ploy by marketing firms to get you to spend? I don’t know for sure what is actually behind it all, but really I think…

all is well and good if you have the funds to buy the world for your loved ones— as long as there is also family time and time for being in nature. Yeah, I know, “nature” is so, new age sounding. But what’s the alternative then? Being exclusively inside buildings with no natural light touching your body except when you walk to your car? And I know way too many people who don’t even get that. Nowadays, you can get in your car in your garage, drive directly into a parking garage at your job and walk through underground walkways to your company’s entrance…inside and busy all the time almost as a policy. Where is your joy going to come from, presents?

It takes great courage to stand in opposition to the crazy making behaviors of this time of year. But this kind of courage will free you from fear of not being good enough, or not having enough and will grant you the courage to talk the truth and live, for once,  in your heart and experience nature again. It sounds too simple, I know, but please…

Take a walk, no, REALLY. So many people I know believe they don’t have the time. I can’t even get some of my clients to literally walk outside their building for 30 seconds. I am not joking. I meet with them several times a week by skype and I ask them each time we speak. I actually had to tell one guy to go outside while I waited on the phone! It was the only way to get him to do it and he’s not a recluse either. He’s a big wig from a large company who claimed he just didn’t have the time. But that one rebellious act got him started on the road to living his life slightly differently and he’s been singing my praises ever since. So funny, silly even, I know, but are you also letting the whole time thing and the too busy thing and the I gotta buy everything thing, getting you away from relaxing a little and not having any fun?

I’m not talking about carnival ride fun either, I mean fun as in happy inside fun, joyous feeling fun, deep inside fun.

If you are not feeling it, PLEASE go outside, find a tree or a shrub and TOUCH it, really touch it; feel the roughness of its bark or the sharpness of its winter plumage. Smell it. Brush your cheek against it. Sit at a park bench where you can view squirrels and other wildlife; dress warmly if you live in the northeast and enjoy the sensation of your body temperature adjust to the weather. Experience it.

And if you have kids and are outside all the time instead of working in an office, next time you go outside with them, REALLY be outside with them. Let them be the role model and follow their lead for a change.

Is this too airy-fairy for you? Tough. Do it anyway. You may have to do it a couple of times to experience (or ALLOW yourself) the feeling of joy start to return. But I promise, when you let go of the need to do it all and be it all and have it all and give it all; when you feel the winter air on your face and breathe the smells of dirt and leaves and when you feel the rock or shell or greenery, and let the feelings they arouse enter your consciousness, then you will begin to have a little fun. I don’t know about you but I’d like to have a little fun during the holiday. Let me know how it goes for you.

Together another day

Yesterday was my 24th wedding anniversary. We spent it together doing things we love: walking, talking, eating, reading, dancing, and watching movies. It was a perfect day.

People often ask how long we’ve been married; they expect us to say 1, 2 or 5 years, but no more. We look like ‘lovers’ rather than husband and wife because we hold hands, kiss in public, hug a lot, and smile at each other often. And other than the two years when we were extremely unhappy with each other, we have always been demonstrative in our affection. Our children used to try to pull us apart when they were little…it became a game of sorts and it was certainly fun for all of us. Now they just smile and walk away. It’s kinda nice.

But we’ve seen some pretty hard times. One day a few years back the unthinkable happened and we thought it was over. It was heartbreaking – I certainly thought we would not make it – I now know he thought the same.

The funny thing was, after the initial shock, we each embarked on a personal quest to fix ourselves, not each other, and I believe that was the key that eventually sustained our love and devotion to each other. Yeah, the kids had something to do, initially with not getting divorced…we certainly didn’t want to disrupt their lives. But not wanting to ruin their lives would not have been enough to make our relationship last if we hadn’t been a little introspective and willing to own our own piece of the problem.

We weren’t afraid of counseling either. We knew we needed help.

This is not meant to be depressing so don’t despair, but it would have been very easy to blame each other and move on. I had more than a few people tell me that he was a schmuck and I needed to get away from him. And HE had quite a few tell him the same thing. We could have had an out so easily, but in our heart of hearts we did not want to give up on all the years we put into our family and our relationship.

I am here to tell you it was definitely worth the pain, and the tears, and the sleepless nights, and the dark circles, and the endless discussions, and the whispered comments, and the sessions with professionals, and the slow road back to each other.

We are more in love now than ever before and we were crazy about each other when we first met…we know what so many long-term married couples know: It IS worth it to stay together no matter what. It IS worth it to work at your relationship instead of abandon it. And it IS imperative that you look within yourself for the key when there is a problem – especially when the other person is doing something very wrong (as viewed by everyone); because THAT is the most important time to look deeply within yourself for the real origin of the problem. Don’t get it? Send me a note, we’ll talk.

Without that understanding a marriage doesn’t stand a chance in hell.

So, as we sit today, the day after our anniversary, side by side, on our  own laptops typing away, I am richer beyond my dreams and happier than you could ever imagine, truly.

Marriage is definitely worth its salt.

How long have you been married?

My life as a mailbox

Recently I took a stroll downtown with my daughter and on our return we noticed our mail box had collapsed. We both began to laugh, it looked so ridiculous all bent with the box dangling. Actually, we had been propping it up with masking tape for a couple of weeks now and I had promised my husband I would go buy a new one. Today the tape had collapsed and it was just hanging there. All I could think was, yup this is my life. I pulled out my phone, switched to camera mode and said “Look, my life in a nutshell!” and began snapping pictures.

Lately, it seemed like everything was breaking and it was hard to keep up, now that I had left the corporate job with its fat, automatic paycheck. I tried not to think about it as we continued joking and laughing and snapping pictures – until our neighbor noticed and walked over. As she approached, my jolly mood melted and my laughter dissolved into embarrassment. As the color of my cheeks rose I quickly changed the subject to the work she was having done at her house.

Why was I so self conscious? Surely she had seen the mailbox before this moment. Why did I need to retreat from the joy and laughter with my daughter and become stiff, formal, fake? Why must I compare my sad mailbox (and yard, and home, and self and life) to hers? Where was all this embarrassment and shame coming from, and how could this joyous time with my daughter turn into such feelings of inadequacy when nothing significant had changed from one second to the next?

Then it hit me.

A breakthough, according to Human Needs Psychologist Cloe Madanes, consists of a moment when we see things a little bit differently – from a different angle and create new meaning from the event. What I was feeling so intensely was not coming from this event at all (the mailbox OR my neighbor’s visit) – but instead from the meaning I was attaching to it – My inadequacies, my feelings of ‘poorness’ (represented by my broken mailbox) against her seeming ‘abundance’ (paid workmen coming to her home every day). Fortunately I did not have to endure these feelings very long as my daughter reminded me of our need to purchase a new mailbox before Dad got home in 45 minutes.

So off to Cash Home Center we went with the mission of a brand new sparkling mailbox – I would not be outshined by my ‘rich’ neighbor!

And as we compared the virtues of each potential mailbox at the store, discussing the nature of our problem with an earnestness and gravity as compared only to that of world peace, I began to feel a little better. Running out of time, we agreed on a white, all-in-one type and raced home beating, my husband by only a few minutes.

Upon arrival we saw that the actual mailbox was in fine shape. In fact it was still in almost new condition – and the post in the ground was also as sturdy as ever. It was the skinny little supporting pole that had weakened from last winter’s many snow storms that caused it to collapse. We thought about returning the new one and repairing that little supporting bar, but when my husband saw it he agreed we needed to start anew and began pulling out the old post.

So with the sun still shining and a perfect breeze, we assembled the brand new, white, shiny, all-in-one mailbox. It was like the end of a happy movie where the birds are singing, music is playing, the flowers are blooming, and the children are gathered. I felt rich beyond measure.

The three of us stood in our yard admiring the newly installed mailbox and all I could think about was: A white mailbox – sparkling, fresh and clean – was this a metaphor for a new life? What the  heck?! Everything in my life is the same. The house is still in varying levels of repair. Piles still adorn certain areas of the house where renovations continue “in-process”. Outside there is still dirt where there should be grass, weeds where there should be mulch, and warped boards where there should be stepping stones; and yet something in me is very different.

My break though? I decided that I am rich beyond imagination. I sleep in a comfortable bed with warm, beautiful-to-me covers; I own my own home (well me, my husband, and the bank); I have plenty of food in the pantry; I own a hot tub (a gift from my brother!) and a computer that keeps me connected to my distant sons, friends and family; I have an amazing daughter who I am delighted still enjoys taking walks with me or playing scrabble or just reading side-by-side; and a loving, patient and incredibly industrious husband.

I could go on and on, but of course the point is, the way we look at things determines so much about how we perceive and hence, how we live our lives.

And so, my perspective has been the only really significant change. The house and yard are still in-process – and so am I. The only things that are truly different and complete (for the moment anyway), are the mailbox and me…and I’m okay with that.